crashing symbols in my head
words that never must be said
touching lives they're unforgiving
never accept the pain we're living
seductive sirens taunting barkers
make our tapestry much darker
silence now the words receding
as my heart sits broken bleeding
take this lull now pay attention
everything you want is mentioned
I can't make out the voice I'm hearing
sick musicians sticks are rearing
I face them now with rising dread
crashing symbols in my head
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Note
You know my muse is not my mistress.
She's a harpy siren true.
All it takes before she'll serve me
is pound of flesh, my heart will do.
As she consumes me she inspires
effluvia of pain her brew
that into me pours endless meaning
destroys me all completely through.
My muse you know is not my mistress.
Killing me is what she'll do.
Don't blame me for this thing I do now.
If she were yours you'd do it too.
She's a harpy siren true.
All it takes before she'll serve me
is pound of flesh, my heart will do.
As she consumes me she inspires
effluvia of pain her brew
that into me pours endless meaning
destroys me all completely through.
My muse you know is not my mistress.
Killing me is what she'll do.
Don't blame me for this thing I do now.
If she were yours you'd do it too.
Promontory
In shock
Terrified
Yawning chasm
Gaping at my sides
I can't regret I've come here
Nor everything I see
But just one push from you
Would spell the end of me
Dreaming
The vista filling me
More beautiful a sight
I don't think there can be
Than the world spread here round me
Breathing
And aching
Pierced by freezing air
Angels sitting here
Can feel you by my side
And whisper songs
Of nothing
Terrified
Yawning chasm
Gaping at my sides
I can't regret I've come here
Nor everything I see
But just one push from you
Would spell the end of me
Dreaming
The vista filling me
More beautiful a sight
I don't think there can be
Than the world spread here round me
Breathing
And aching
Pierced by freezing air
Angels sitting here
Can feel you by my side
And whisper songs
Of nothing
Why
She's a sinner
But she's innocent
Through her eyes
I see the world as its meant
To be seen
A beautiful place
With powerful currents
And bonds tying to place
The people around me in a pattern
That seems so wonderful
And meaningful to me
She is gorgeous
But her beauty inside
Is brighter than thoughts
Than pure lust can abide
Like an angelic halo
Her hearts worn without
And she cares for her friends
Beyond shadow of doubt
She laughs
But its not meant to hurt
No malice nor spite
And she's never curt
With those around her
Too blind to see
Their own shortcomings
Nor does she flee
From showing their faces
In mirrors in front
Of their eyes transparent
To them still she tries
When with despair I cry
She has passion
And it moves me
In ways that surprise
And delight me and
Make me feel alive
As I listen to her singing
And hear the words that I choose
To believe are about me
Though I was not her muse
She is brilliant
But even so she cares
She's a mother
Has a husband
Yet still she is there
In my thoughts inappropriate
And I don't wish her gone
Though I hope and I pray
I never do her wrong
She is everything
That I want her to be
I wouldn't change anything
About how she is
Though God came to me and offered
To do what I asked to improve
Her, I'd stand there agape
That the all knowing maker
Had made a mistake
She is untouchable
But never too far
From my thoughts or my feelings
And I want her there
I'll fight for this bittersweet
End I see there
But she's innocent
Through her eyes
I see the world as its meant
To be seen
A beautiful place
With powerful currents
And bonds tying to place
The people around me in a pattern
That seems so wonderful
And meaningful to me
She is gorgeous
But her beauty inside
Is brighter than thoughts
Than pure lust can abide
Like an angelic halo
Her hearts worn without
And she cares for her friends
Beyond shadow of doubt
She laughs
But its not meant to hurt
No malice nor spite
And she's never curt
With those around her
Too blind to see
Their own shortcomings
Nor does she flee
From showing their faces
In mirrors in front
Of their eyes transparent
To them still she tries
When with despair I cry
She has passion
And it moves me
In ways that surprise
And delight me and
Make me feel alive
As I listen to her singing
And hear the words that I choose
To believe are about me
Though I was not her muse
She is brilliant
But even so she cares
She's a mother
Has a husband
Yet still she is there
In my thoughts inappropriate
And I don't wish her gone
Though I hope and I pray
I never do her wrong
She is everything
That I want her to be
I wouldn't change anything
About how she is
Though God came to me and offered
To do what I asked to improve
Her, I'd stand there agape
That the all knowing maker
Had made a mistake
She is untouchable
But never too far
From my thoughts or my feelings
And I want her there
I'll fight for this bittersweet
End I see there
No Escape
Every word I hear
Makes me long for what I fear
Makes me yearn for heavy sinning
For the end and the beginning
As I flee from all the lyrics
Playing evil jedi mind tricks
Then I see the world around me
And I realize I can't flee
Because they come from all my senses
And in all the crazy tenses
How can everything remind me
Of just how bad I want to be?
Makes me long for what I fear
Makes me yearn for heavy sinning
For the end and the beginning
As I flee from all the lyrics
Playing evil jedi mind tricks
Then I see the world around me
And I realize I can't flee
Because they come from all my senses
And in all the crazy tenses
How can everything remind me
Of just how bad I want to be?
Missing You Again
I'm missing you again.
I'm counting the seconds to an unspecified time as I'm missing you.
I'm dreading the minutes and hours and days as I'm missing you.
I'm watching for heartbeats that seem out of place as I'm missing you.
And I'm watching the stutter step tattoos you've played on my mind as I'm missing you.
I'm missing you again.
I'm counting the seconds to an unspecified time as I'm missing you.
I'm dreading the minutes and hours and days as I'm missing you.
I'm watching for heartbeats that seem out of place as I'm missing you.
And I'm watching the stutter step tattoos you've played on my mind as I'm missing you.
I'm missing you again.
Drug of Choice
I told myself I wouldn't get up.
I told myself I wouldn't go looking for my dealer of my drug of choice.
Yet here I am, looking.
In the wee hours, I'm weak, oh so very weak.
I told myself I wouldn't go looking for my drug of choice.
But I'm looking, not finding, just looking.
Here I am, looking.
I'm weak, oh so very weak.
No dealer, no drug.
Maybe I can break this addiction.
But here I am looking for my drug of choice.
I'm weak, so weak.
I wasn't looking for my drug of choice
For my dealer, for my drug
I swear I wasn't looking
I'm not so weak.
I wasn't here looking for my drug of choice
Please, God, where is it.
I can't find it.
I need it.
My drug of choice.
My drug of choice.
I was here looking for my drug of choice.
I've lost myself and I don't want to fight it.
Thank you, God, for keeping me from my drug of choice.
For watching out for this sinner with the whiny voice.
I don't deserve your comfort while looking for my drug of choice.
But I found it, in the most unlikely of places.
Why can't I trade you for my drug of choice?
Cause I'm dying and looking and wishing and missing.
But still you are there to fill the void.
For the faithless, for the weakest.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
But your voice is still calling.
I bid you good night.
I told myself I wouldn't go looking for my dealer of my drug of choice.
Yet here I am, looking.
In the wee hours, I'm weak, oh so very weak.
I told myself I wouldn't go looking for my drug of choice.
But I'm looking, not finding, just looking.
Here I am, looking.
I'm weak, oh so very weak.
No dealer, no drug.
Maybe I can break this addiction.
But here I am looking for my drug of choice.
I'm weak, so weak.
I wasn't looking for my drug of choice
For my dealer, for my drug
I swear I wasn't looking
I'm not so weak.
I wasn't here looking for my drug of choice
Please, God, where is it.
I can't find it.
I need it.
My drug of choice.
My drug of choice.
I was here looking for my drug of choice.
I've lost myself and I don't want to fight it.
Thank you, God, for keeping me from my drug of choice.
For watching out for this sinner with the whiny voice.
I don't deserve your comfort while looking for my drug of choice.
But I found it, in the most unlikely of places.
Why can't I trade you for my drug of choice?
Cause I'm dying and looking and wishing and missing.
But still you are there to fill the void.
For the faithless, for the weakest.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
I'm still looking for my drug of choice.
But your voice is still calling.
I bid you good night.
My Exquisite Weakness
In the morning
First thought, first sign of life
Is of you though it should be my wife
In the night
Last thought of the night
Is are you there on the other side
The stories changing
And it continues to evolve
And I fear you'll soon regret my love
I wish affection
Were everything I felt
But I have got to play the hand I'm dealt
Words I can't say
But they will haunt me still
And future choices require acts of will
My perfect weakness
With whom I cannot lie
My one and only whom the world's denied.
Exquisite weakness
What have I done
To deserve a life so long
Without you near me
It has all gone wrong
I wish together was where we belonged
Oh, please ignore me
As I sing this song
I love to love you but I do you wrong
To push and prod you
To make you feel
Exquisite weakness, I wish that I weren't real.
First thought, first sign of life
Is of you though it should be my wife
In the night
Last thought of the night
Is are you there on the other side
The stories changing
And it continues to evolve
And I fear you'll soon regret my love
I wish affection
Were everything I felt
But I have got to play the hand I'm dealt
Words I can't say
But they will haunt me still
And future choices require acts of will
My perfect weakness
With whom I cannot lie
My one and only whom the world's denied.
Exquisite weakness
What have I done
To deserve a life so long
Without you near me
It has all gone wrong
I wish together was where we belonged
Oh, please ignore me
As I sing this song
I love to love you but I do you wrong
To push and prod you
To make you feel
Exquisite weakness, I wish that I weren't real.
Lines of Friendship
Lines that he crossed, ages ago
Lost them so far that he can't even tow them
Back to a place where friendship still rests
Which we all can agree would be for the best
But the words she's stopped saying
And the things she's stopped doing
Don't mean that the feelings are gone from her mind
But that damn line's so far that they can't tow the line
When the line is all they can afford to find
Lost them so far that he can't even tow them
Back to a place where friendship still rests
Which we all can agree would be for the best
But the words she's stopped saying
And the things she's stopped doing
Don't mean that the feelings are gone from her mind
But that damn line's so far that they can't tow the line
When the line is all they can afford to find
Tears
the blood pours hot
burning from my eyes
again and again
I've never let you go
though I act as if I have
memories surf so close
to the surface of my mind
the blood pours hot
burning from my eyes
as I'm reminded of you
burning from my eyes
again and again
I've never let you go
though I act as if I have
memories surf so close
to the surface of my mind
the blood pours hot
burning from my eyes
as I'm reminded of you
Hopeless
drowning
lost
love is in the way
of breathing
or hoping
or seeing light of day
with my blindness
inside me
and you can't light my way
and the air that I gasp
smells of decay
for the love that I long for
is not mine to take
and I'm drowning
lost
for my love is in the way
of living
a life
where there isn't any pain
and the edges are slashing
my endurance away
as I'm drowning
lost
love is in the way
lost
love is in the way
of breathing
or hoping
or seeing light of day
with my blindness
inside me
and you can't light my way
and the air that I gasp
smells of decay
for the love that I long for
is not mine to take
and I'm drowning
lost
for my love is in the way
of living
a life
where there isn't any pain
and the edges are slashing
my endurance away
as I'm drowning
lost
love is in the way
Nothing Left
I am as nothing to the wind
mien broken by shame and disgust
as tatters of my dreams waft away
gently mocking with momentary visages of beauty
gone strength, hope and stamina
sand pushed hither and yon
I am patterns of space on canvas of air
I am nothing
I am gone
mien broken by shame and disgust
as tatters of my dreams waft away
gently mocking with momentary visages of beauty
gone strength, hope and stamina
sand pushed hither and yon
I am patterns of space on canvas of air
I am nothing
I am gone
Suicide's Fear
horns of ugly demons
rear with scaled heads
screams of souls tormented
long after they are dead
at once the darkening lava
burning up your legs
and lungs that gurgle death
of drowning sailors dread
heart picked out by buzzards
liver consumed by asps
fingers rots' erosion
skin all black and red
the smell of puss and gangrene
sickness every scent
face all stung by fire ants
eyes licked out by lions
nerves afire with death
not one of these I'm feared of
as what I'd do in health
when I turn face from god
and end it all myself
rear with scaled heads
screams of souls tormented
long after they are dead
at once the darkening lava
burning up your legs
and lungs that gurgle death
of drowning sailors dread
heart picked out by buzzards
liver consumed by asps
fingers rots' erosion
skin all black and red
the smell of puss and gangrene
sickness every scent
face all stung by fire ants
eyes licked out by lions
nerves afire with death
not one of these I'm feared of
as what I'd do in health
when I turn face from god
and end it all myself
Tearing Apart
glistening droplets
fall to the floor
perfect little wavelets
spreading toward the door
hint of oxidation
brightening colored red
so long
so soon
each drop says he'll be dead
but fingers type
on keys not smeared
so one must not be true
I know that there are two of me
I don't know which is you
fall to the floor
perfect little wavelets
spreading toward the door
hint of oxidation
brightening colored red
so long
so soon
each drop says he'll be dead
but fingers type
on keys not smeared
so one must not be true
I know that there are two of me
I don't know which is you
Perfect Bloody Masks
all my screaming is hidden
haunting inside
where you can't hear my bleeding
or see my eyes cry
so oft is it hidden
there is no where to see
what you're watching
as they dance paroxysms of glee
all my demons rejoicing
for soon I will fall
but nothing will make it
to my face at all
haunting inside
where you can't hear my bleeding
or see my eyes cry
so oft is it hidden
there is no where to see
what you're watching
as they dance paroxysms of glee
all my demons rejoicing
for soon I will fall
but nothing will make it
to my face at all
Repast or Respite?
tumbling void of nothingness
followed by the numb
waves of quiet emptiness
leave me deaf and dumb
the scary thing that comes to me
and wracks me to an fro
hast snucketh oft to haunts unknown
or hast it, I don't know
I'm trembling, crying, suffering
fear quivers deep inside
of that which might just be me
pretending just to lie
followed by the numb
waves of quiet emptiness
leave me deaf and dumb
the scary thing that comes to me
and wracks me to an fro
hast snucketh oft to haunts unknown
or hast it, I don't know
I'm trembling, crying, suffering
fear quivers deep inside
of that which might just be me
pretending just to lie
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