The Care and Feeding of Intuition

I believe intuitive people are drawn to lifestyles where their intuition thrives. I believe frequently they don't even know it. Finally, I believe modern nomads, in particular, are often intuitive but don't always realize how and when they use their intuition.

A comment on a post in a modern nomad forum brought my thinking back to intuition and how large a role it played in my year as a digital nomad and, conversely, how much a role that year played in my intuition.

I'd like to nail down what I mean by intuition, and maybe address the 800 lb gorilla in the room, does intuition even really exist?

Intuition, as I'm using it, is the ability to access information or conclusions without the direct aid of a chain of reasoning. You may be able to provide a chain of reasoning after the fact, but you did not clearly go through one to get there. It can also seem like you know something that you have no earthly ability to know, but there it is. Empaths, in particular, can experience this with regards to other people, when they instinctively know someone is hiding something, or motivations, or even facts they haven't been told.

Have you ever made a decision, say about visiting Brazil in December, and everything about making plans for this trip was difficult? You couldn't find a good flight. Deciding where to stay was a struggle. Every time you did research on your destination, you'd find yourself watching videos about baby musk oxen instead. Then something came up, and as you let go of your plans it felt as though a weight had lifted from your shoulders.

Conversely, the time you decided to go to Plitvice, Croatia, everything was super easy. Nothing ever distracted you. Arrangements fell into place like toppling dominoes. You lucked into the perfect cabin just outside the park, and the hosts can't wait to meet you and might even want to hire you for some work.

These may be intuition at work. I believe intuition is a kind of mental muscle. Just as reasoning can be exercised and strengthened, so can intuition.

Intuition is made up of several parts. First, you must be able to recognize your intuition over wild guesses or wishful thinking. This is primarily a skill of inner quiet, and calm, judgment-free, reflective listening. You listen for the same voice as that of the Tao in Taoism. You listen for the voice that is there when you have silenced the cacophony of intentional voices.

I have an exercise that I like to practice to keep me listening on this level. The next time you are in a restaurant with a menu, narrow down your choices to a few (or everything if you are adventurous), and use the flip of the coin to decide what to have. The catch is that as you flip the coin narrowing down your choices (odd pages vs. even, first half vs. second, etc) listen for that momentary voice of disappointment when you get a particular outcome. The goal is not to ruthlessly follow the advice of the coin, but to recognize that fleeting moment when you have a preference you haven't expressed, even to yourself. Your intuition speaks at just this same volume. The better you become at hearing your internal voices which speak this quietly, the easier it will become to hear and recognize your intuition in the otherwise tumultuous din. And if that moment never comes, you've made an effort-free choice and perhaps had just a little fun.

Another exercise that will make hearing your intuition easier is the meditative practice silencing your inner monologue, recognizing that you are not the voice speaking in your head but the listener hearing the voice in your head, then deciding to stop listening to this voice that is not you. Eckert Tolle (The New Earth, The Power of Now) and Michael A. Singer (The Untethered Soul, The Journey beyond Yourself) have written powerfully about this. I have found it to be an intensely rewarding practice even beyond making recognizing intuition easier.

The second necessary skill in using your intuition is what I call the care and feeding of your intuition. I do not believe intuition is some kind of tap directly into the a priori knowledge of everything. I believe it is an alternative interface for accessing our human, and individual knowledge literally embodied inside ourselves, sense memory, biological inheritance, and all of our unconscious recall. A rich and responsive intuition needs open access to all kinds of information. Listen to conversations on every subject, even those you have no direct interest in. Stay open to ideas on every side of every argument. Embrace your catlike curiosity. Read, listen, watch, and play broadly. Embrace new cultures and languages. And when you are looking for deeper answers, dive deep into a subject. A well-informed intuition is an effective intuition.

When our reason breaks down, we look for new directions to try, new conclusions we can draw, fallacies in our reasoning or assumptions. When our intuition breaks down, look for more information, less direct information, related information, and above all, learn to give yourself a break. Tell your intuition you are looking for an answer about something, then go do something else entirely for 12 hours, and see if an answer isn't just on the tip of your tongue all of a sudden.

The final, and to me by far the most critical, skill to effective use of intuition is believing in it. Once you've gone to all the effort to be able to hear and recognize your intuition in your life, if you don't trust it or believe it is a valuable source of insight, you are likely to discount information just when you need it.

In order to build your trust in your intuition, I recommend tracking it in some way. Jot down a note about the situation, what your intuition told you, and how it turned out. Over time, this could lead you to trust it more or could help you realize you aren't as intuitive as you think.

On my journey, having a stronger intuition helps me in several places. It helps me select destinations. It helps me choose just the right listing out of dozens of choices on AirBnB or Kayak or etc. It helps me test the value of an option or choice in front of me. Once I trusted my intuition was real, and that I could rely on it, I would put all decisions past it, just as I check my answers on tests with reason. Following my intuition intentionally, reliably, and lovingly has led me easily through the best parts of my life.

What are some ways your intuition has helped you? Do you use your intuition intentionally? How have you strengthened it?

Words from Inside

This was written in an emergency room while under observation for suicidality. It is the result of a mind in severe emotional pain releasing some of that pain one of the only ways it knows how. Some readers could find this content traumatic or triggering. Please use discretion.

Words from Inside

word lampreys
sucking meaning straight from cortex
pre neural impulse
twixt the space tween two pupils
letting no one learn the chaos inside

shaking
tearing
screaming

as words, not art, but blood
leak out across the page
and lie

Though I wrote these words, I'm not even sure that I understand them all. I do know that almost every word that can contain multiple meanings is intended to use at least two of those meanings here. sucking, impulse, pupils, learn, letting, chaos, inside, lie. I can't even trace all the double and triple and quadruple meanings that were blowing through me as I first etched these words in colored pencil on a scrap of printer paper. It took me weeks before I could work with these words enough to publish them here.

Still Here Two

 Five days ago, I wrote a list and posted it as Still Here.  Before Thursday, December 2, 2021, I am supposed to meditate on this list or something like it at least four more times.  Today, I met with my therapist and we discussed my list.  I realized that the list could be more clear to others, so for one of my "meditation" sessions, let's expand on my list.

1. I am willing to say, "fuck it," and get on with things.
   I have the ability and the willingness to face unknown or likely poor results or circumstances and just get on with it.  This is easiest to see when I play video games, but it is also possible to see in my approach to things like writing, or self-improvement, or learning new skills.
   
   
2. I see a world beneath the world, that I don't know how to describe, but that brings depth and value to my observations.
   I identify as autistic, probably with Asperger's.  It is very difficult to describe the ways that how I perceive and understand the world are different but it is clear they are.  I see similarities where others do not.  I see into, beside, and around.  I often don't see the surface.  This causes me to miss what is obvious, but it causes me to see what is not obvious.  Instead of rejecting my differences, I embrace them.  They give me invaluable insights that I could never have without those differences.
   
   
3. I have strong access to intuitive tools of understanding.
   I have spent time, energy, and work learning to use intuition, meditation, mental imagery and have sometimes helped others access these tools as well.
   
   
4. I empower growth in others.
   Through the way I present myself, and how I interact with people, people who spend a lot of time in my company find it easier to grow.
   
   
5. I am deeply empathic.
   I identify as an empath.  I feel the emotions of others.  I may not understand it, but I often feel it.  This makes me especially open to the pain of others and I appreciate the opportunities that affords me to offer comfort where needed.
   
   
6. I am open to any exercise or activity.
   I refuse to let size, shape, or expectation limit what I am willing to try.  You never know what you can do until you try.
   
   
7. I am agile and dexterous.
   I learn new physical skills quickly, be it dancing, turkish get-ups, juggling, or chop sticks.
   
   
8. I get stronger fast.
   I have a body type that responds to strength training quickly.  I also have a lot of nutrition and training knowledge.
   
   
9. I am honest and open that I need help with my depression.
   This is at several levels.  First, obviously, I am willing to say, "I am not safe right now, please take me to the ER."  Second, I am voluntarily in treatment.  Third, I have informed the people around me, and I try to let them know when I need extra help with eating, or with taking my meds.
   
   
10. I love unconditionally.
    My love never ends.  It is not predicated on anything.  Hurting me doesn't make me stop loving you.  It may make me stop associating with you, but nothing makes me stop loving or love less.

This is what these mean to me.

Still Here

I am in a mental health group for self-esteem right now.  As part of homework, we were supposed to write ten positive things about ourselves. This is not actually a challenge for me.  In fact, it has become so not a challenge for me that I wonder if I'm not almost avoiding it by saying it has become easy.  I thought I should sit down and write an actual list, and not make it trivial things, but put some work into it.  These are ten things I like about myself, in this moment (when I'm writing, obviously, not when you are reading, the only moment you have access to, pbltttt).

1. I am willing to say, "fuck it," and get on with things.
2. I see a world beneath the world, that I don't know how to describe, but that brings depth and value to my observations.
3. I have strong access to intuitive tools of understanding.
4. I empower growth in others.
5. I am deeply empathic.
6. I am open to any exercise or activity.
7. I am agile and dexterous.
8. I get stronger fast.
9. I am honest and open that I need help with my depression.
10. I love unconditionally.

This list is in no particular order, and is not comprehensive.  It is a good list for this moment.

Complications

 Each of the conditions I struggle with are enough alone to debilitate me by themselves, though I am learning to manage them; PTSD, and related anxiety, major depression, and as yet undiagnosed neurological symptoms.  In general, I experience low to moderate levels of symptoms from each condition, with severe flare ups from one or another at a time.  Very rarely, I experience severe symptoms in every condition at the same time.  Right now is one of those times.  I can usually manage severe symptoms in one condition, but as the number of conditions with severe symptoms increase, management tools become less effective, and symptoms magnify each other.

When my baseline fear level gets so high that I cannot bear the thought of facing another person (PTSD/anxiety), when I am incapable of clear thought (neurological), or safe balanced movement (neurological), when reflections in my glasses have me jumping out of my skin (PTSD), when I need the help of a compassionate listener but cannot face talking to another person (anxiety), when every thought is poisoned and I cannot imagine why anyone alive would even notice if I were gone, much less want or be willing to help (depression), with all of these symptoms in effect at the same time, I find myself crippled.  I am unable to leave my room to get food, much less to seek and ask for help.  When I am like this, nothing works.  All I can hope is the will to survive outlasts the storm of misery.

This is where I have been since Sunday morning.  It is Tuesday night as I write this.  Some symptoms are marginally lighter enough for me to be able to write here.  As I'm pretty sure no one reads this, I can almost talk about the truth of the pain I am feeling.

I could use a dawn soon.

Isolation

Alone,

I'm lost.

The cold cuts through me like a scalpel made of ice.

Restless,

I search,

For the warmth of connections I cannot find.

One heartbeat,

In sync,

I think I have a chance.

Truth

Hits hard.

Hope adds salt to wounds.

I sit,

And cry,

In this fortress of isolation I have erected inside.

The Map to my Soul Is Missing

When poison sits behind your eyes,

Under your taste buds,

Inside your ears,

When no brightness can pierce the veil inside

Do you hide?

If you fear the contamination contained within your mind

Like Pontypool's words

Where madness lies

When blood and corruption darken your skies,

Do you hide from the only good things in your life lest you burn them or smash them or stain them or pain them to die?

Words, the Refuse of the Soul

 I have no idea what I'm going to write.  Words are piling up inside of me like magma building before the eruption, pressure building, small tremors presaging the upcoming explosion.

My internal editor has taken a vacation.  There is no quality control.  This is the stream of my consciousness, the merry go round of my attention, and the whims of my fingers as spelling goes right out the window.  What do you mean the window is clossd?

I am lost in time.  This happens more and more as I come unmoored.  Not quite a week ago, I experienced a miracle, a PTSD triggered panic attack that visited and decided it was unnecessary, leaving as suddenly and as arbitrarily as it came with only elevated body temperature and heart rate to show it had existed at all.  A grace I was able to accept as it came, appreciated, without grasping after it.

Today, nostalgia sent me to mine my own words for wisdom and emotion.  The former was welcome, the latter, overwhelming and has left my ship overturned and grounded on a tumultuous shore, the rocks slowly breaking it into the pieces that may find their way into some future child's curious hands.

I seek the peace internal that comes not from conquering your environs but from conquering the frenzy of self.  I was to be, be it bleeding or breathing.  It is enough to be, and be well.  Not well as an outcome but as a quality of being, to be with fullness of self accepting both what is and what I am.

I write.  Perhaps you read.  We are.  Be well.

Life of Metaphors

It is our nature that we view the world through metaphors.  We have literally evolved to process a world of mind that is an approximation of the reality around us.  We have models  of reality that give us the tools to make predictions and develop heuristics which allow us to be successful without having to input every miniscule detail of our sensorium.

Given this abstraction, it is so strange that we often don't understand how very much the mental models we choose have the capacity to completely change the power we feel over our lives and our reality.  When the only tools you have to manipulate the world are the models you build, of course you cannot do more than your model allows.  If your only model says that you can experience mind but not influence mind, then literally that is true. But when you update, upgrade, or replace that model with one which includes mental control, all of a sudden you have that ability.  You may need time to learn the controls, and it is likely to improve with time, but suddenly you are no longer a prisoner of the prior model.

It is the same with the world around us, and with human consciousness, and with the global awakening of the mass of humanity around us.  Once we have mental models which allow for our influence, then we create, and magnify our control in those spheres.

As I grow, I have been experiencing the effects of new models throughout my life.  A friend suggests that I can call in a talent that I do not currently possess, and with confidence, which I can also call in, I can function in a new space.  She says this with unfamiliar and uncomfortable words, and I resist.  Fortunately, her advice triggers a model update which runs as a background process for a day or two.  I add to my model of reality that I can call in confidence and skills I don't already possess.  A couple days later, I read a document I was sent, and the words I've been missing for a critical skill appear in front of me, and my ability to communicate in a new setting transforms and blossoms.  I have called in a skill that I did not already possess!  And this new skill brings with it confidence, or perhaps it just arrives beside the confidence that I've called in.  And I experience an epiphany.  Her words, ones I did not understand, and at the time could not receive have changed the model through which I experience my reality, and I now have the ability to call in skills and confidence.

Where before, I felt at the mercy of my ability to find a teacher, to convince a teacher to impart wisdom, that teacher's skill at imparting said wisdom, and my ability to receive, I now understand that I call the teachings to myself which I most need.  Because I have updated my metaphor, I recognize that I call in the lessons which empower me to continue down my path.

And so I go.  My path is calling me, and I call to myself the ability to see it, the strength to walk it, and the confidence to continue, even when I might doubt.

What models are holding you back?  Are you ready and willing to change them to empower you to be the best you are capable of?  Are you willing to continue down your path?  I'm waiting for you there.  Perhaps we can walk together for a while.

Humbled by a Wave

My first Christmas in the US Navy found me at the Defense Language Institute, on the Presidio of Monterey in beautiful Monterey, California ​at the end of​ 1990. From there, with only a few people still around for the holidays, we discovered Big Sur and in particular, Pfeiffer State Park. The beaches and surf of Pfeiffer State Park host house size and larger monoliths of stone jutting above the ocean and sand.

On one visit, I climbed over the top of this one stone mound which say half in and half out of the ocean swells. Starting from dry beach, I worked my way up and over. It was not an overly challenging climb by rock climbing standards, but as youthful adventures go, it felt dangerous and exciting, and was definitely me playing at my edge, a phrase that would take me decades to learn.

On the far side, back down near the water, I found long fingers of stone sticking out a good twenty feet or more into the ocean swells and waves. I was above the tops of the higher swells by at least five feet. I stood there, stone wall at my back, stone finger below my feet, watching waves come in and crash into the stone sending gusts of white spray into the air for I don't know how long.

​I had forgotten the people I was with, the world around me, the stresses of life, and lost myself in the ocean when suddenly a huge wave crested above and around the rock I was standing on.  I was covered head to toe by pounding spray, soaked instantly to the bone, completely losing sight of the environment around me.  The spray hit easily 10 feet above my head, and BAM, everything disappeared. In the face of the raw power of nature, my conscious mind evaporated.

​I entered a fugue state.  I lost awareness of the world around me.  I lost awareness of everything.  Confronted in an inescapable way with how futile my volition was, with how artificial my sense of safety was, I converted to a pure animalistic mind.  It was in this way that my body took over.
My next conscious thought was at the base of the stone, back on dry beach, realizing the sun had set, and that I had just climbed over and back down this mansion sized mound of rock, a not trivial undertaking, in the dark.  To this day, I have no memory of that climb.  I cannot recall navigating areas I found challenging the first time, nor how much different the climb was in the failing light of evening.  I learned, through clear demonstration, that we are not always in control of ourselves, that in the face of power we have no capacity to control, we can lose ourselves, and our bodies will seek out safety without the aid of the conscious mind.
I do not believe this is unique to me.  I see it in others, when faced with overwhelming emotions, or enormous spiritual awakenings, or whatever power has the capacity to toss us about in its storm, we can unconsciously subvert our will, and sometimes our greater good, to seek out safety and shelter from the storm.​

Being aware of this has helped me to hold space when someone seems to behave in inexplicable ways.  We tend to think everyone around us is always fully conscious and present, but at times, we are not even aware of our actions, much less able to really explain and justify them.​  And when it happens, not understanding what has happened to us, we often provide a plausible explanation the would seem to explain what just happened, because the thought that we are not fully in control of ourselves is a difficult pill to swallow.

Have you experienced this in your life, or have you witnessed it?  As it happened, and after it happened, were you aware of what happened, and did you understand it?

Random Haiku

Zephyrs flit unseen
But for the bent stalks of grass
Spring, the rains return

A Night of Unnamed Ponderings - Summary

It is not entirely clear how writing serves to lance the boil of my unutterably darkest feelings, but to some degree it does. I claim neither art, nor beauty, nor skill in their writing. The merely are. For you who suffer through them, I hope you come out the other side unscathed. It is necessary to pass them on if I wish to be free of them.

A Night of Unnamed Ponderings 9

​You try to fill the yawning darkness with many a pint of ale
And many a plate of the finest foods, hearty, halcyon, and hale
But ne'er a drop
The black gulf rises
Nor smidge if distance it finds as
The demons eat your insides​​

A Night of Unnamed Ponderings 8

From inside the cave, I shone my light, but teas not enough to fight back the shadows, and not a soul saw it 'fore the demons consumed my heart.

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 7

The horror of the tattoos writ cross my soul will not brook the paltry shadows of tattoos upon my body.

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 6

​As windows to the soul, mine eyes must be no more than pin pricks, for I do not see the recoils of fear and revulsion this dark strain of mine should create.

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 5

Put me in a dark enough place and I shall light the world with the sickly light of my putrescent words

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 4

Threads of connection
Wandering from soul to soul
Pathways of happiness
My heart shall never know
​​

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 3

I see mirrors of solitude
In every silent face
Casting judgment on my heart
I see wells of silence
In every mordant place
Cementing me apart
I find violent muses
In every public space
Fueling the darkest of my art

A Night of Unnamed Pondering 2

There are days I wish the words wouldn't come haunting my soul with their meanings fraught with heartache. Like a Lovecraftian protagonist, I'd rather not have seen their depths, nor touched upon the meanings which carry madness.