Each of the conditions I struggle with are enough alone to debilitate me by themselves, though I am learning to manage them; PTSD, and related anxiety, major depression, and as yet undiagnosed neurological symptoms. In general, I experience low to moderate levels of symptoms from each condition, with severe flare ups from one or another at a time. Very rarely, I experience severe symptoms in every condition at the same time. Right now is one of those times. I can usually manage severe symptoms in one condition, but as the number of conditions with severe symptoms increase, management tools become less effective, and symptoms magnify each other.
When my baseline fear level gets so high that I cannot bear the thought of facing another person (PTSD/anxiety), when I am incapable of clear thought (neurological), or safe balanced movement (neurological), when reflections in my glasses have me jumping out of my skin (PTSD), when I need the help of a compassionate listener but cannot face talking to another person (anxiety), when every thought is poisoned and I cannot imagine why anyone alive would even notice if I were gone, much less want or be willing to help (depression), with all of these symptoms in effect at the same time, I find myself crippled. I am unable to leave my room to get food, much less to seek and ask for help. When I am like this, nothing works. All I can hope is the will to survive outlasts the storm of misery.
This is where I have been since Sunday morning. It is Tuesday night as I write this. Some symptoms are marginally lighter enough for me to be able to write here. As I'm pretty sure no one reads this, I can almost talk about the truth of the pain I am feeling.
I could use a dawn soon.
